Grand Final Drinking Rules

With the Grand Final almost upon us, it's once again time to post the GF drinking rules, for the benefit of those new to the art of Grand Final viewing. As anyone who's watched the last few Grand Finals can attest, the GF is often a boring mismatch that is essentially over by halfway through the third quarter, so if you're blind by half time you don't usually miss much. The rules given here have been refined over a number of years by a select group of maniacs in Perth, all of whom own videos, which they use to record the game so that they can watch it when they sober up on Sunday. No doubt others around the nation have their own traditions, and suggestions for additions are welcomed.

The drink of choice of the author and his colleagues is beer, preferably Emu Export of Victoria Bitter. Those who choose light beer risk being held in contempt, while those who choose spirits are just plain stupid and deserve whatever happens to them. Wine drinkers will be laughed at (especially the next morning). Soft drinks are of course strictly verboten, on pain of being either thrown off the premises, or forced to drive the other participants to the venue(s) of their choice for post game celebrations.

Surgeon General's Warning: Adhering to these rules is extremely foolish and likely to be injurious to your health. The author takes no responsibility for any injury, embarrassment or relationship (it has happened) arising as a result of application of these rules.

Participants are required to gather at the venue at least half an hour prior to the first bounce. There should be two hats, containing the names of the prominent players from both teams. Each participant draws a player from each hat. Once the game commences, participants are required to drink whenever their player

Gets a Kick
Gets a Handball
Takes a mark

An entire can/stubby/schooner should be drunk whenever the player

Kicks a Goal
Gets Reported
Gets hit in a reportable incident
Gets carried off
Causes someone to be carried off

At the end of the game, a further can is to be consumed when a player receives his premiership medallion, with two cans allocated for the Norm Smith Medallist.

All participants are required to adjourn to the nearest available park/backyard/road for kick to kick at half time, and the host should ensure that a football is on hand for this purpose. For those who've never seen AFL GF half time entertainment, you won't miss much.

Obviously, these occasions become somewhat rowdy, and some rules are required to ensure that proper decorum is (as far as is possible) maintained. Any breach of the following rules of etiquette is punishable by a drink:

Pointing is forbidden
Swearing is forbidden
Saying that word that rhymes with "dull" and means consume beer quickly is forbidden (be a bit original)
Falsely alleging that a player should drink is forbidden

Finally, just in case the above rules aren't enough (and I stress that they usually are more than enough), the idiosyncrasies of various commentators also provide opportunities. Essentially, all participants should drink whenever:

Bruce MacAvaney
says "Goes Bang"
Says that a player will/should/must goal, and the player subsequently misses.
(for alcoholics only) says "gee"
Calls any player a champ or champion (double up if it's Diesel Williams or Gary Ablett)

Dennis Commetti
says "centimeter perfect"
says "goes on goal"
uses the word "interesting", e.g. interesting handball.
double up for "like a cork in the ocean"

Sandy Roberts
refers to a player by a nickname rather than his real name

Ian Robertson
Barracks for Carlton

Mal Blight
says anything at all. Mal's a legend. Double up if he starts talking about past Geelong grand finals under his coaching.

Thoughtfully provided by Jeremy Leggoe.
For those starved from Aussie Rules on their television, there is a football version called the Europa Cup Drinking Rules as well. See this site

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